5/14 continued
“When seeking the truth, better get the whole thing. Like a good fuck, it’s worse to get half than none at all”
–
The great task will not change when our intelligence finally transcends our organic bodies,
we will still be tasked with conquering space. We will merely have found a more suitable vessel for our conquests. A move from longship to destroyer.
–
Let’s avoid that immortality in a caged reality. Can you tell I’m watching Westworld?
–
5/15
“To enter the hierarchy is to debase yourself” N. Ferguson
“I got more than a handful of ass” Shoshauna
–
5/16
It makes me feel so stupid and base: the love shared between me and with this animal so stupid and base.
–
5/19
The dumb, beautiful American tradition that we see today realized in the anti-mask, anti-lockdown protests has roots in the essential school of philosophical thought: skepticism. It is too bad another great American tradition is overwhelming racism and individualism, so this skepticism can never be put to good use. If only we could all see the heavenly potential to be found in the idealized form of the American Republic.
–
5/21
I’ve begun a few, in earnest two, works of fiction wherein I seek to create a different form of my exhibiting my understanding of life through creating a snapshot of existence, but I find it much more of a struggle than this “non-fiction” I create regularly. (Non-fiction is such a funny term, anything defined by the negation of something else often is) I feel so much more sluggish, plodding in the weeds to capture the world as opposed to the ethereal atmosphere of this. While at once more “real”, concrete, it also feels in many ways more temporal, and at many times pointless.
–
The idea that animals are not our equals has always really bugged me. In truth, the idea that plants are not does too, but that farther step makes for too many other difficulties, socially speaking, so we’ll continue walking as babes, but how can we deny the clear consciousness of our Earthly kin? Specisim should rank alongside the rest of the -isms. The only reason mankind deserves prominence is the amoral guarantee of our survival, but I feel well beyond such base competition with the beasts, so can we not begin to learn to love? No, some ambitions seem impossible. We cannot even learn to love our neighbors, nevermind the dumb pets in their yard.
–
5/22 (Technically)
When Dad died Mum’s Dad said all we have is family. How dreadful. How small the scope of what mankind could be. Growing up I always admired Grandad. Now “grown” it’s Grannie I admire, if anyone kin.
Does 3am count as the end of today or the start of tomorrow? If I cannot figure out days, what hope have I of life? Perhaps therein lies the hope.
They say smoke follows beauty.
Does it count if I’m on fire?
It does, but the beauty then would be Shoshauna for standing by it.
The fire seems integral to my understanding of living, so let me burn like a cigar and smoke me world. The ash drops when it’s time, no need to tap it. Do we not, in the beginning and end, gather around the heat? All of us. Nobody elects the cold but in preservation and death.
The lizards in the garden might laugh at our acclimation, but they enjoy our landscaping all the same, until they don’t when we pave it all over. Too fragile, we cannot bear their little freedom. Come, we’ll just play some tennis instead. Love-love, start tied at zero, score points against each other until one has the advantage. At the end, when the games over, let’s say the better one wins. No room for luck amidst training and skill.
–
5/30
I’m 35 minutes into the 3rd episode of the second season of Mindhunter and had to pause to write. Some things take precedent over others.
Two options lay ahead of me in the plan of my life: I raise a family with my to-be wife with children either/and adopted, black with the woman I love who is black, or I die before that eventuality can happen. If I die fate decided otherwise, but if I live then my family will be black. Naturally this reality does not bother me, I wish for nothing else, I in fact know that if they can live, they will then be greater; I think in part that’s why they kill more wontonly the people my children might be.
I am the angriest person I know, no one rages like me so unless I change I know at least a part of my curse they’ll inherit, so my hand shakes as I think of the reality that my children shall die, and this reality of death unfolds itself with two maybe fewer. Either they rage at injustices, giving justice arbiters the bullet option, or they’ll be killed with no system seeking real redemption. So I shake in the fear, so I wualm at the injustice that reality and inevitable love has forced this white man to accept.
What will I do when my child in an attempt for a free life grows up into George Floyd’s sad fate? Who cares if a city, who cares if a nation, burns to ash to make amends for their fate? My child will still lay dead, my existence still shattered by the hammer I knew to expect.
The greatest gift in my life, the fuel that pushes me forward, comes from Shoshauna who happens to live black. The community might not see it, but the wider world does, and so unjustly I arm my self in defence. I rage, I rage, I rage against this white world, I say prepare the Molotovs and the noose. When the lynching mob comes pull down the old Winchester, and blow as many as can lynch to kingdom come.
Hell yawns for their flesh, heaves cries for your combat, justice demands that you give them a fight.
Burn down your city, peel back their flesh if they deny our cousins the right to breath free.